Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
