Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
