3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
