TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
He passed out mid-signature
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
