i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
