Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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