Having a random hookup so left but love u
my mouth tastes like poor choices
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
