I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
