He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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