im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
