Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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