I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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