I wish I could teleport
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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