peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
