Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I believe in your delicious
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
