Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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