Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
