His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
