I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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