TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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