i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
