i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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