Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
