I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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