Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
