You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
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she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
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Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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