I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You are a genius and a whore.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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