Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
