she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
