im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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