I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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