Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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