Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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