Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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