I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
