I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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