fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
