When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
