So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
