Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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