How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
