Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
