It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
