I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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