when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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