did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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