I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
