I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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