hell yes lets make some ravioli
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
