Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
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Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
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I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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