You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
