Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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