I'd wear matching sweaters with you
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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