So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
