Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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