so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
