Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
