I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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