Me. At least after what I've been through.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
