he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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