cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
